Sunday, March 22, 2015

A brand new week...

I am so glad this last week is over. We often have busy weeks but not multiple days in a row that leave me so drained and exhausted that I can just sit there doing nothing, because that time spent doing absolutely nothing is about all I can handle. 

The whole Dori business has been more dramatic than it ever should have been. Part of the problem was I did look back. I looked on Facebook for updates and I got shaming instead. This has been a week of mourning. I last heard from the agency who took Dori yesterday. I think it is all resolved and I am pretty good with our decision. Her attempts to make me feel bad just really proved my point of WHY we were no longer the best place for her. That doesn't take away the fact that we loved her and she was a part of our family. The kids think she went to be friends with another old dog. I fully believe this has been true!  In the last update I got, she is completely happy and adjusted and they think she is a great dog. I have seen pictures to prove it.

The huge grant for work is almost, almost, almost done. I have the finishing touches to do tomorrow and then just need to submit it. I worked almost twice as many hours last week as normal. I felt like I had lost touch with real life!bi am glad that tomorrow is a normal work day so I don't feel like it is something extra that I need to get done.

In other shallow news: my smashed nail is almost completely grown back! I am looking forward to painting them all nice for the annual fundraiser gala for work this weekend. 

I have also been pondering make up choices. I could seriously spend tons of time and money on make up if left to my own devices. Skin care in general actually. I just think make up is fun. ( I always went for the natural look in high school/college but that was actually more of the normal look and the fashion.) I might review products. Maybe. It might help me justify my habit!


Sunday, March 15, 2015

Sadness and woe

Dori went to her new, possibly permanent home. It was harder than I thought it would be. Dori seemed very nervous and unsettled. I panicked on the way home that I made the wrong choice. Why would I hurt everybody because of pee? Rhys had a good cry Friday. They both were fine today. I cried the whole way home after dropping her off. 

Thursday, March 12, 2015

So many second thoughts

I can't sleep. I have too much on my mind. 

1. I am having second thoughts about public school. Justin is not having these second thoughts. I am having a really hard time. I help out with lunch at the school once a week.  I get to see both kids with their friends. When I compare Ava last year to this year, I have a really hard time imagining taking her away from her friends. She has really made a good group of friends and it seems like it is just starting to really come together now that the year is a 3rd of the way over. Last year she had friends, but she just kind of floated and didn't really know where to fit in.  What do we do? Do we put in for financial aid? Is scraping by for one more year just delaying the inevitable?

2. Dori. Our dog of 10 years. She has a serious peeing problem and has since the day we got her. I am at my end with her and I sent an email to the adoption place we got her from, never really imagining the address would still be valid. Well it was, and now they are prepared and ready to take Dori back and place her in a foster home. Justin says this is better than putting her down.  She had such horrible anxiety and social issues when we got her, it is hard to imagine that being the kind thing. Keeping her in the cage to keep her from peeing on the floor is also not the kind thing. I know I reached out to them, but I didn't expect an answer so now it all feels very sudden.  What do I tell the kids? How long will the guilt last?

Dream verses reality

Do you picture a better version of yourself?  I do.  It rarely has anything to do with my personality or character.  It is all about my lifestyle.  It is things like what would I be doing right now if.....

Right now, I would be drinking my Starbucks coffee, while typing this (in a more respected an intellectual fashion) on my Macbook, in my immaculate and decorated home.  Mind you all of these things would have come easily to me financially, like it was no big deal.  I would also be sitting here in a size 6 or 8 pants with no extra whatever flopping over the top. I would be in a cute top and probably wearing a scarf, draped just so.  It wouldn't make me look like I have a head like Beaker.  My hair would be freshly highlighted and my nails would be done, possibly in a classy French manicure.

Instead, here is my reality.  I am in fact drinking Starbucks that I brewed at home because their holiday blonde roast was on clearance at Target.  I am typing this on my work computer with a jenky mousepad, because that is the fastest and most reliable computer in the house.  Plus it is already set up at my crumb covered table for me to get work done in a little while.  I have four loads of laundry ready to be folded and one more in the washer.  I am wearing yoga pants because I am more comfortable in them in my between-the-double-digit-sizes state and a non-nondescript hoodie that is too big.  I haven't had my hair highlighted since the beginning of December,maybe and I went to bed with it slightly damp so it is definitely doing its own thing. My nails have all been breaking so they are in various stages of jagged and I need to take the chipped paint of.

Why is my reality good?  I am at home.  Getting ready to work for a job that allows me to be at home with my baby.  I am in my house that I own.  I have wi-fi in my house.  I have kids to make crumbs.  I have a washer and dryer in my house to allow me the luxury of doing laundry here.  I can afford to pick and choose food to allow me to control my diet.  I showered!  I haven't figured out the bonus of the chipped nails yet, but who knows.  Maybe I will get there.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Run for your lived and retreat!

I went on the women's retreat with church this weekend. It was good and I have a lot to process. More on that later, maybe. I don't know how much I want to share.

I held out food wise all week except at the retreat. I went right back to being on track today though. I did not get all my workouts in last week. I am going for all three this week. I know I have lost at least 2 pounds this week. At lease the scale is moving. I was worried it wouldn't at all.

The next two weeks will be intense with work but I think it will be ok. I don't have much choice. I just have to get the work done one way or another. 

My random thoughts of late: why do we obsess and think that life will be different if we get this new item or that? "If I get a new pair of jeans I will always be inspired to dress better."

I am also completely hooked on the show House of Cards. It is a bad time for such things especially with work.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Here we go...

6:45am: Work has gotten insanely busy. It isn't so much busy as having a lot of work to do in a very little amount of time. It is only fitting that I try to start the weightloss competition today. I am not supposed to eat carbs or sugars that aren't naturally found in fruits and vegetables. I have logged my food for a normal day and I generally eat 80% carbs. This will be a challenge. I did a lot of meal prep yesterday to remove a lot of obstacles. I am also going to do a class at the gym this morning as soon as I drop the kids off. I haven't worked out in at least a year and a half. I look forward to the soreness.  It is such a good hurt.

I will update through out the day maybe.

8:50pm. I did well food wise. Not a single cheat. I even drank black coffee. I had the normal obsess over food for the first few days thing because I am a food addict and it is what I do. I ate more than normal so there was no actual reason for it.  I made a green smoothie for breakfast which was delicious. My blender sucks and doesn't actually like to blend things so that made it hard. I ended up going to the gym tonight instead of the morning, but I still went. Overall successful day. I am going to sedate myself so I don't go find chocolate like my normal night time routine requires.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Get back, honk a cat!

Things around these parts are busy as always. We are more than half way through the school year. Isla is almost 6 months old. Time is just flying. I always feel like I don't have enough time for anything, but I am trying to at least make sure I have enough time to enjoy the kids during this stage of craziness.

Isla is changing daily.  She rolls both ways, she sings to herself, she can scootch and roll around if given enough time. She isn't eating solid food yet but has tasted a couple things.  I don't think anything magical will change next week when she turns 6 months.  We just might be a little more diligent about trying to feed her food.  Either way, she sits at the table with us during meal times and is a part of everything.

It is also that time of year, the annual "what do we do about school" time of year.  We have come to the conclusion that we are going to do public school next year.  It isn't a for sure thing, we still love our school, we just can't afford it anymore.  We aren't planning to take on more bills or anything like that, just use this next year to get back on track with things and really see what our money looks like,  Justin got a new pay structure at work and it has made it very hard to know whether or not private school is an option.  It could be fine, or we could just completely drown.  If something changes between now and the beginning of the school year, like some anonymous patron decides to pay for tuition or I somehow get offered a job with the same hours and way less money, then we will probably keep them at their current school.  But right now, it looks like public is the way to go.  I have some apprehension about it, but not really.  I am mostly feeling sad about leaving the school we love behind.  We were such a part of everything, and I know the staff loved my kids.  That is going to be really hard.  I am actually afraid I will feel the loss at every single school event I go to until the end of the year, including drop off and pick up.

 Ava is very excited.  She wants to meet new people and get to wear her own clothes.  She does have good friends at the school but she thinks she will see them again at other things.  She is excited about going school shopping.  She says she is excited to have a fresh start and a new chance to be a good student.  That statement in itself makes me question whether or not the private school has actually been that good for her.  Maybe it put too much pressure on her academically?  I have no idea.

Rhys is neutral.  He will be fine.  I have heard that it is hard to transition to public school for first grade only because it will be a lot of review.  The private school can require a lot more school readiness for their kindergarten so less time has been spent this year playing catch up.  They are both excited to take the bus.

I joined a tiny, little, cheap gym and committed to a 9 month Biggest Loser competition beginning Monday.  The length of the commitment is scary.  Finding the time to work out is scary.  Taking my before pictures is scary.  We will see how it goes.  A friend is doing it with me, so at least I am not all in alone.